2009-05-16
The time has come
As most of you know, our son Jeffrey was killed on his way to work on March 1, 2006. He was attending ASU in Phoenix.
In May of 2006, I began taking medication for anxiety.
In May of 2007, I began taking medication for depression.
In August 2007, I began taking an additional medication for anxiety. I remember the first pill I took. For the first time since Feb 28, 2006, I actually felt...relaxed and normal.
Although I was only supposed to take this medication for a short time, it made me feel so...normal and good, that I began to manipulate my doctor to continue taking it.
In November 2007, I began seeing a therapist. I continued to see her until mid-March this year.
After stopping therapy I finally faced the fact that although I wasn't ADDICTED to the "feel good" medication, I was DEPENDENT on it. I stopped taking it.
My mind fought me daily for a bit. I began to track my moods. I realized that I wasn't clinically depressed anymore. I spoke with my doctor and am current reducing the dosage and plan to stop taking the anti-depressant in 3 more weeks.
These 3 things have made my anxiety level go through the roof. It's all I can do to keep my mind focused enough to get through the work day. I still periodically take the anxity med that was originally prescribed in 2006. I'm trying to wean myself off of that too. It's very mild and non-addictive, but my goal is to learn to live my life...not WITH my life. (I hope that makes sense.)
Where is this going? I'm tired of having someone ask me something and responding with a blank "Huh?" because I'm over medicated. I'm tired of not remembering what I should remember.
These meds served their purpose...to help me get through the worst of the pain of Jeff's death.
There are still days when the pain, anger and horror come on so suddenly and strongly that I cannot function. This is NORMAL. I simply have to accept it.
Those days (thank you Lord) are fewer and farther between.
It's been so long since I've gone 24 hours with any type of mood altering medication, I'm a little scared to discover who I will be without them.
But I know that the time has come. Wish me luck.