2009-06-25
6/25/09
I'm not good at confiding. I was raised with the whole "Don't air your dirty laundry in public" motto for life. This is my safe place. So lucky you...here comes the confiding. I had a breakdown yesterday. I knew it was coming. I could feel it coming. I recognized the signs. I just wasn't ready for it to hit WHEN it did and as HARD as it did.
Hi! My name is Carolyn and I am an enabler. I am also a mood sponge. If you let me, I will take your problems and treat them as if they're my own. Add to this my intense dislike of confrontation...it's a bad mixture.
I'm aware of this and I work on it daily. I've learned the fine line between "helping and supporting" and "fixing."
Yesterday the following storms crashed in front of me and led to my breakdown.
Husband: As everyone knows, the current economy sucks. He owns his own business. It is a "service" business. Hence, the suckage of the economy is affecting his business in a VERY negative way. He is in his 50's and has built this company up from literally nothing. He's scared. He's pissed. He has lost the ability to see blessings as blessings. As far as he's concerned, they're just another burden to bear.
This makes my heart hurt. And my head swim. I AM THE MOODY ONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! ;o) He's the happy one. So I've been trying everything thing I can think of to cheer him up. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) But to no avail.
MH: The situation with her boyfriend and daughter continually coming to and STAYING in our office has gotten to the point that I am instantly FURIOUS as soon as one or the other walks in.
Yesterday, the daughter (who is in her LATE 30's) came to our office and basically stayed ALL DAY. The final straw was when I was helping a new employee (of course, daughter doesn't have the COMMON sense to LEAVE when we have ACTUAL work to do) and daughter interrupted me to say to the new employee "I know you. Do you go to Small Town Sleazy Bar?" New employee gasps (literally) and says "No. I know your little sister. That's how you know me." I can't remember what all was said, but she interrupted the process several more times. New employee practically ran out of the door when she finished with me.
By this time I was too angry to try to say anything. All I was capable of saying would be something like "You stupid, drunken whore! Get the F**K out of my office!" I can't exactly say things like that with her mother sitting there (absolutely oblivious to the situation.)
My cell phone rang. It was my husband with good news. Good news that he was not happy about because he's gotten into the habit of being ticked off about everything. I walked out of the office, so I could have the conversation in private.
When I came back, daughter was STILL THERE (btw when I use caps, it is because I'm SCREAMING in my head.) She is on the phone to someone and is apparently helping them plan a birthday party. My work phone rang. I couldn't hear the person talking to me because daughter is talking so loudly. I waved my hands to get MH's attention (she's still completely oblivious to what's happening) and said "Daughter needs to take her phone call outside. I can't hear the person on my phone." "Huh?" (Literally, she said "Huh?")
I could feel the anxiety attack beginning. I finished my call. I grabbed a cigarette and went outside for a walk. I'm sure I looked like a mental case. I wasn't crying, but I was close. Usually if I catch it in time, I can get these attacks under control. There was no controlling this one. It grew and grew until I was into panic mode. My hands were shaking. I couldn't catch my breath. My throat hurt because I needed to cry and wouldn't allow myself to.
I walked back into the office. MH begins giving me the 3rd degree about where I've been. I just shook my head and went to my desk. She WALKED over and got in my face and asked me again. I said "Leave me alone! I'm having an anxiety attack." Then...the tears came. I closed up my desk and went home.
Can I just tell you that I am FURIOUS with myself? I can't believe that I let the actions of other people push me to that point. Grrr! I'm not a child. I'm 46 freaking years old!
So...after I calmed down, I was exhausted. I literally fell asleep before Bill and the girls even got home.
I woke up this morning still mad at myself. I intend to speak with MH this morning. Yes, I hate confrontations, but I cannot allow this to continue. I'm going to tell her (calmly) that her daughter comes to our office too often (several times per day) and stays too long (minimum of 30 minutes, sometimes, like yesterday for hours.) She disrupts my work and should immediately leave the office when we have an employee in there for something work related.
Do I think it will help? I hope so.
I don't know what else to do. I've already spoken to our supervisor about it. She's spoken to MH. It changed nothing.
What I'm really afraid of is that I will lose my temper and speak to the dauther myself. It wouldn't be pretty.
She's tough. Bar fly girl tough.
She could totally kick my ass.