2009-07-16
7/16/09
If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.
Words to live by. Too bad I forget to live by them. ;o)
At night when I'm trying to fall asleep I tend to mentally go back over my day. Night after night I realize that I'm continuing to do something that I don't like about myself. Then I get irritated with myself. This is not a good thing when you're trying to relax and spend 7-8 hours in happy sleep land.
Several times I've had a solution pop in my head JUST as I'm about to drift off. It has all the workings to be a good solution, but by the time I wake up, it's gone. Poof! Gone until I am going to sleep that night.
This morning I remembered.
I don't mean to be all cryptic. Oh how I despise reading cryptic diary entries.
I have a hate/hate relationship with one of my meds (my main anti-anxiety prescription.) Taking it (to me) makes me seem weak. Like I can't function without it. Since I am one of those "I will just do it MYSELF!" type personalities, it's a continual battle. Because the truth is...I do need it. When I don't take it, my moods and emotions can be all over the map. Anxiety is a mean booger.
So what I do is avoid taking it. I'll do anything BUT take it. What happens is, I wait until I'm absolutely bonkers and THEN take it.
I KNOW that if I take 1/4 to 1/2 dose before I get anxious...I tend not to get anxious. Duh! It's prescribed as preventative, but I don't take it that way. Because I don't want to admit that without it, I WILL get an anxiety attack.
Ah! There's the real problem! I have a hate/hate relationship with my anxiety. That's what makes me feel weak. Giving in and taking something to prevent it makes me angry because I don't want to admit that I can't handle it on my own.
Wow! This is not the entry I intended to write. Apparently my brain had something to tell me.
BTW, as soon as I woke up, I took a 1/4 dose. That's the solution that keeps popping in my head. To take the preventative dose before I'm awake enough to start fighting with myself.
Hopefully that will get me started on a good, calm, even keel day. It truly sucks being crazy.