2009-08-15
8/15/09 Entry #2
**Second entry for the day**
I had a friend ask me this week to describe my dark place.
The reason I call this mood my dark place is because if/when a friend/loved one asks me what is wrong, I can simply say "I'm in my dark place." They don't understand exactly what it means, but they understand that I need to be left alone.
I used to call these days "A Jeffrey day." But, I didn't like the way that sounded. Jeffrey didn't make me sad and angry. His death does.
When I'm in my dark place, I cannot seem to see or appreciate anything as good or happy. My thoughts are full of anger and pain and revenge and sorrow.
I've learned in the past 3 years that the best thing to do is just give into it. I am by nature an optimist. After several days, I begin little by little, to once again see the good around me.
Then I begin to make myself acknowledge and be aware of the joys in my life.
Bill brings much joy to my life. Don't kid yourself, there are times when I want to put superglue in his chapstick. Most of the time however, he makes me laugh and feel beautiful, well loved and safe.
We just got back from taking Shelby lunch at work. She was called in to work an extra shift at 7am this morning and forgot to make it. When I walked in, I didn't know the receptionist. I said "I'm Shelby's Mom." INSTANT joy! Just being her mom and being able to say it to others brings me joy. Because she is such a loving, kind person, people are drawn to her. I always get a thrill of joy when a teacher comes into my office, sees my nameplate and says "You're Shelby's mom? She's so funny and sweet. I just love her!"
M. (our new daughter.) When she gets defensive and agressive, I no longer have to pull her aside and explain that in our home she is safe and loved and appreciated. Now I just have to catch her eye, smile and wink at her. She relaxes, apologizes if necessary and carries on. Being able to make her feel safe, brings me joy.
Seeing Michael grow into the awesome, responsible, hard working, playful and loving man he is, brings me more joy than I can put into words. His teenage years were what nightmares are made of. There were many days and nights when the only future I could picture for him was one behind bars. But, he turned his life around and became, really, more responsible than we'd ever hoped for.
Michael's wife Lindsay is...a mini me. I've always tried to deny it. Everyone who meets her says it's true. She is SO like me. She's the best daughter-in-law I could hope for. We speak on the phone several times each week. She has a wonderful sense of humor and of herself. She loves Mike with a fierceness that I've rarely seen in a young marriage. Everything about her brings joy to my life. (And she hasn't even given me grandchildren yet!)
My dogs are my babies. They are silly. They are demanding. They are funny. They are irritating. But EVERY time I walk through the front door, they take turns demanding to be picked up and kissed. As much joy as I bring to them, they double for me.
I have other friends and loved ones who bring joy into my life. But these are the ones that I focus on as I pull myself from the dark place.
I asked my therapist once how long she thought I would disappear into the dark place. She bluntly told me that I would probably do it for the rest of my life, because Jeff will be gone for the rest of my life. BUT, each time is a little shorter. The space in between is a little longer.
I've been told that once you accept your loss, your grief will dissapate. I'm here to tell you that that is BS.
You learn to live AROUND your grief. When you forever lose someone you truly loved, that loss is always with you.
The sadness and/or anger come and goes. But, the loss is always there at the back of your mind, waiting to take you away from the life you need to live.
Which is why I try to keep my joys and blessings in the front of my mind.