2009-10-05
10/5/09
After reading fighting4life's entry yesterday, I had to face the fact that I have been lingering in my dark place as well.
I'd been ignoring all the signs. Lack of communication with anyone outside of this house. Countless hours spent watching mindless TV. Re-reading the same books over and over again. My body coming down with strange 24-48 hour ailments that kept me in bed, sleeping.
This is going to sound weird, but you're all used to my weirdness. I spent a lot of time yesterday tip-toeing around inside my mind yesterday. It's kind of like when you have a sore tooth, and you probe around with your tongue, here and there until you find the exact spot that's irritating you.
I realized that I'm preparing myself for the holidays. Since Jeff's death, we don't really celebrate anymore. The last time he was home was for Thanksgiving 2005.
I keep trying to come up with a way for us to NOT spend Thanksgiving and then Christmas fighting our demons. Pretending on the outside that we're enjoying ourselves, while hating everyone who isn't feeling the way we are.
And then after Christmas, we wait for his birthday on January2 9th to come and go. Then of course, comes March 1st, the anniversary of his death.
I've never been overly fond of winter. But the last few years have seemed interminable (neener.)
I want to break the cycle. I want to help Bill, Mike and Shelby break this cycle.
I just don't know how.
The answer will come. Maybe not today. Maybe not this winter.
But it WILL come.
If he could, Jeff would totally kick our butts for behaving this way. He was the LEAST self-pity person I ever knew. When life kicked him down, he'd jump up, smile and say "Ok then, let's try that again."
God bless us all. We just miss him so much.