2009-10-11
10/11/09
I haven't been writing lately because I feel obligated to be funny/cute when I write. I know that it's wrong to feel obligated to only show a certain "me" here.
So, I'm going to begin writing what I need to write. I trust you all. I've managed to forget why I began this blog. To communicate with MYSELF. I've fallen into the habit of trying to be entertaining. Last night, I kept wanting to write this entry, but my mind kept telling me "Nope, it's too personal."
Most of you know me as well as, if not better than my RL friends. When I put something in writing here, I'm better able to analyze it and understand it than when I just talk about it. Weird, huh?
Something happened yesterday that hasn't happened in months.
I had a full blown panic attack. I have anxiety almost every day. Anxiety is hugely different from panic. Anxiety is like a burp. Panic attacks are like food poisoning type vomiting. (Sorry, I couldn't think of another analogy.) You can't control what your body is doing, no matter how logical you try to be.
I went to the grocery store. It's pretty well known that I hate grocery shopping. Especially alone. It seems that I often see people who remind me of/want to talk about Jeff. I've been working on this for a long time. I've been doing really well with it. For the last several months I've been doing my shopping on Sunday mornings. The store is practically empty and I'm in and out of there in no time.
I HAD to go yesterday afternoon. We were out of enough important things (milk being the main one) that I figured I'd just go and get it over with.
I was FINE. It was VERY cold (20ish degrees and windy.) It was almost as cold in the grocery store as it was outside. Why is that?
Anyway, I ran into a friend of Shelby's. We chatted and I collected a hug. ;o)
I was getting the 2nd to the last thing on my list, when I saw a woman I used to work with. I LOVE this woman. I see her all the time. She's never been a trigger for anxiety.
When I saw her, I had an instant hot flash of panic. I turned my cart around as fast as I could. I picked up the last thing on my list and got in line.
While I was unloading my cart, the soda box broke and I had cans of orange soda rolling around in the cart. I interrupted the checker and asked for a bag for them. She offered to have someone get me another box. I thought "NO, THAT WILL TAKE TOO LONG!" I shook my head and loaded the cans into the bag.
It took everything I had to remain (outwardly) calm while I paid for my groceries and left. Once I was in the car, the panic hit HARD. I was crying and saying "I just want to go home, I just want to go home." Luckily, this store is only a few blocks from my house. If I'd been in Big City, I think I'd had to have someone come get me.
Once I got home and calmed down, I tried to figure out what caused it. I know cold is a trigger for me. (Isn't that lovely, since I live in cold weather for 6-8 months of the year.) I can't imagine why seeing L triggered this. I'm really stumped.
Once I got home (and turned the thermostat up to 85) I warmed up and then laid down on the couch with a comforter. I slept for about an hour. The adrenaline rushes from these attacks leave me exhausted.
Today I feel...fine. No anxiety. I'm actually feeling pretty cheerful.
Whatever it was, I guess I needed to get it out. Now that it's out...I'm good.
(Imagine us clinking glasses) Here's to several months of feeling good, before the next one strikes.